wasabiwasabi blog

hmm, looking at my resolutions, i have accomplished absolutely nothing on that list and half the year is over already

yea, i bought a house (and it still scares me to think that i could lose my entire life savings in a blink of an eye), but i feel really fed up… i think i’m just tired of taking care of stuff, tired of being responsible, tired of being the older sibling, tired of playing second fiddle, tired of taking care of childish, self absorbed “adult-children”, tired of so many things… i just want to be taken care of for once… to have someone really out there looking out for me, someone fully invested in my future and i in theirs and not feel like i can be so easily left behind or ditched, someone who shares my passions and has their own to share

maybe it’s because i haven’t really been hanging out with a lot of guys lately that were similar to the guys from college – guys’ guys – but i don’t feel special and don’t feel a sense of purpose. aside from the haiti trip in november, i don’t feel like i’m doing anything either except churn because i have no free time and on the rare occasion that i get some time, i spend it catching up on stuff i need to do

yea #firstworldproblems, and yea, i’m being emo, and no, i’m not really finding much peace or rest in God right now.

i feel like being reckless and just leaving it alllllllll behind. time to move to taiwan?

lol “wow” is all i have to say to today… what a day!

heh i think i’m wallowing in self-misery and bitterness, and becoming very self-absorbed and selfish. no matter what the inconvenience or pain, my life is really good as it is. i wish i could program this automatic “perspective!” sign into my brain so every time it wanders down this path, it flashes to remind me to keep things in perspective. sorry.

ok time for bootcamp.

i swear, every time something good happens, or things calm down, the housing situation from hell comes back to haunt me. seriously, how do you show grace to someone SO UNDERSERVING of it? someone who is so selfish and self-centered and refuses to grasp the concept that everyone is explaining? including our property manager? i guess the answer is Jesus did it for us for nothing, so i should really try and do the same. i feel like i tried, but maybe it wasn’t hard enough. i falter between feeling extreme pity to a lot of anger. >_< i just feel like some people really take advantage of others with that thinking, and then it becomes ingrained and expected behavior. and then i have trouble respecting them as a person when i see that. it’s really unfortunate that no one steps in and explains it to them – no one that the person would listen to at least. i feel like i’m the only one who has and obviously it’s not getting me anywhere because i don’t have an established relationship with this person prior. i should just not pay any deposit out of my own pocket until the rest of us move out. why should i front so much money anyways? especially after all this trouble that’s been caused?

never EVER living with someone i don’t really know ever again, even if they were a teammate or a friend of a friend. when you find out what that person is really like and how they are in comparison to what other people see, it really sucks.

this whole situation has turned me into a really bitter and angry person. i gave up my own apartment for this. wtf.

I sorta feel really frustrated that the place that is supposed to be my refuge and safe place is no longer that. I mean, it wasn’t for awhile because of one individual who has taken on all of my same interests and causes, but now even more so due to recent changes. It’s not a bad thing overall for the group, but for me it kinda sucks. Just this lingering feeling of unrest and unease, not a completely safe, free and open space anymore. I feel like I need to step away sometimes. Maybe go somewhere else. But then I feel like that won’t help much either because this is my San Diego family and it’s not like I want to go through the process of finding a home again. Sucks. Times like these I wish I were married so I’d at least have that stable place to call home and have an anchor to help support me.

Tired of feeling so angsty and frustrated and fed up so much these past two months. It’s only the first month of 2012 too for goodness sakes. I dunno what it is. I feel far from Him too. What a rough start to a new year.